Wednesday, December 07, 2011
~Tears and Truth~
I don't even know where to start.
Since Sunday, a week and a half ago, I've lived with this cloud. It's heavy, dark, and suffocatingly thick.
There's been no real reason for it. I'm not hormonal, nothing traumatic has happened-I can't explain it, I'm not typically a depressed person, but this has been very, very real.
Anxiety, fear, worry, dread, fatigue, not much appetite, and despair have been my constant, unwanted companions.
What if something bad happens?
Mr. _____ died. How is his wife coping with that?
They just found the body of that little girl in a dumpster.
People are actually saying Tim Tebow's kneeling and thanking God for success is offensive. What is this country coming to?
How will I handle being old and alone?
Talk about some "stinkin' thinkin'! I've had a big dose of it.
Before you dial 1-800- JUSTSAYNOTODEPRESSION, know that I'm okay. Promise I'm not jumping off any bridges, or staying in bed all day.
The truth is setting me free.....even as I type.
At first, I attributed my gloom to the time change and constant cloudy/rainy days. The darkness has been killing me. I've never hated it so much. I've kept doors and every shutter wide open, and just about every light in the house on. I would stay outside every minute I could right up until the sun went down because I felt this tremendous need for physical sunlight.
Then, over a week's time, Emma, Avery, and I took turns with a little stomach virus. I was tired, so I figured maybe waiting to see who would get it next, and my lack of sleep was making me a little pouty.
My Grandmother is 102 and drastically going downhill. Maybe I'm already grieving for her, I thought.
I had done all I knew to do.
Thinking happy thoughts.
Singing good songs.
Forcing smiles.
Thanking God for all the good things in my life.
That was my part. Not rolling over or giving in to it. Still wasn't finding a resolution, though.
Brad came home night before last, took over dinner, and said, "Go."
"Get in the car, go grab some dinner, and work it out."
I dropped my spoon, grabbed my keys and rushed to my Suburban, hoping to beat the tears.
"God. I do not know what is wrong with me but something is. You know what it is and I'm tired of it."
I pulled in the CVS parking lot and laid it all out.
I placed my cares at his feet. I out loud, cast my cares on Him.
Then my heart heard this. The joy of the Lord is your strength.
It's a verse in Nehemiah, it's a song I sang as a child, and it's sort of become cliche'. But the best part? It's TRUE.
I nodded my head in silent agreement.
I had dumped my heart out, cried my eyes out, then decided I couldn't sit at CVS all night.
Target. I had a return to do and some shopping that is so much easier without kids. So I dried my eyes, got out, and had the tiniest sense of peace that I hadn't had all week.
I think I even smiled once.
This morning, I emailed my former pastor, Tom Hall. I think it was a three sentence message asking only for their new mailing address. Though we haven't seen them for years, he influenced my life, officiated my wedding ceremony, and has always held a special place in my heart. He replied with their address then said exactly and only this:
"Blessings and Joy! You live in a redeemed world."
I was stunned.
Even now, I stare at those two sentences dumbfounded. It is nothing short of God breathing a little big Word to me through a man four states away, who had no idea I was in a pit of despair.
I don't even think I fully understand that. I live in a redeemed world.
But it sure does give me hope and excitement. God is not sitting in heaven wringing His hands about the state of the world. He's not allowing a single thing to happen to me unless He is working good through it. He promises to never leave me or forsake me. He is ruling and reigning and cares enough about me to give me.....let's see, just in the last couple days, I can count four "little" miraculous things that undoubtedly were His whisper of comfort and confidence.
The God of this universe is able to and even wants to meet me in the middle of my mess.
"Cast your cares on the LORD and He will sustain you;" Psalm 55:22
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Phil 4:4-9
"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;" Lamentations 3:22-25
We are well on our way to a merry Christmas. It's merry because I celebrate today the same thing I celebrate December 25. It's not a celebration limited to a certain square on the calendar or dependent on perfect circumstances.
Blessings and Joy! You live in a redeemed world.
~stacey
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