I hope never to give off the essence that I get it all right.
With every year that passes,
I am
slower to think I have the answers for everything
surprised by almost nothing
keenly aware of the temporal pain people and events can inflict
stone cold resolute about the few things I'm sure of (the world could fall in but I'm not moving)
have a greater understanding that life can surprise you (in good ways and in hard ways)
and I have a 1,000 pound bag of grace with me at all times, ready to hand out a generous portion to worn out, frustrated, disappointed people, and a double portion for sweet Mamas who give their heart and soul to their kids every.single.day.
I was talking to my sister the other day and we were commiserating about how you make decisions for your kids and family and you think/hope you're doing right by them but you really don't know for sure. You think you know but only time will tell.
You've thought, you've talked, you've prayed, and you've decided,
but you are trembling on the inside.
You know what? I think it's okay to be a little trembly about some things.
We are flawed human beings
but the redeeming news is that
we are fit together with our kids, YOU are gifted and equipped
to train specifically them
to handle their specific junk
to listen to them
and to, by God's grace and mercy, help them get ready to be turned loose when the time comes.
but let's be honest, there's a lot at stake.
I have four people who are going to have memories of me. ...that's a weird and partially terrifying thought.
A thought that begs the question, am I doing it well?
Me personally, I feel pretty good about the preschool/elementary years.
I loved them, rocked them, watched Winnie the Pooh with them, wiped their tears, blew bubbles with them, all that....I was good at that diaper stuff.
But let me just say, this whole season we're in now, while I don't love it any less...I'm not gonna lie,
it's weird.
They come at me with questions and problems that in my head, I'm like yeah, I don't know what to tell you about that because that is real and it's hard.
Except that I do, in most cases, know the truth, so I tell them. again and again I tell them.
then comes the hard part, the unnerving reality...
I CAN'T MAKE THEM BELIEVE THE TRUTH.
I keep telling them, but it's up to them and God's grace in their lives to choose truth over lies.
And you know what the REALLY good news is?
God is perfectly capable of taking care of your kids.
They're His anyway, and He's got big hands.
He is working.
He's ruling and reigning and writing their story.
One of my favorite memories is of a precious, devoted Mom I had the privilege of knowing when I was in the season of little kids.
Her daughter was/is equally precious and she babysat my kids on occasion.
Mom and high school daughter were having lunch at my house and we were talking about how to mother well. Mom was talking about some of her own years of personal struggle...years that happened to coincide with her own children being young. She was brutally honest with the fact that she was in a hard place emotionally and that she regretted the fact and wondered how or if it negatively affected her kids. I'll never forget the daughter's response. Her smile was a mile wide, and she in the most sincere, grace filled heart said, "Mom, we were fine. It was all good".
A moment seared into my memory.
Do you see that?
God's grace is there to cover us...when we think we are doing it well
and when we are pretty sure we blew it.
"Redeeming love has been my theme and shall be till I die"
As I sit here today in my living room, facing the front foyer, willingly admitting that it's one of my favorite spots to sit because it is always in order, let me just say:
keep after it.
revel in God's grace because it is plentiful.
seek Him hard.
do whatever you think needs to be done for your kids with resolve and grit.
...even if you are trembling on the inside.
don't worry about any season other than the one you're in.
today has enough in it to occupy you.
To my own Mom,
I'm forever grateful for your life. For the countless selfless things you did over and over and over. Thank you for seeking Him first.
and for making us peanut butter toast and letting us eat it around the open stove when it was really cold outside. That sure was cozy.
~stacey
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