yeah, no....hate to be the bearer of bad news but
nope.
do not be deceived
the witching hour never ends, as far as I can tell.
So, gird your loins.
you have YEARS of this fun time of day to excel in.
we, in this household, are way past the season of "littles" and we aren't fully in the season of "bigs"
so I have decided we are solidly in the land of the "middles"
past diapers, baby food, and full on tantrums,
but not quite to driver's licenses, boyfriends, or jobs.
Supper tonight with all six of us around the table (what a blessing!) was a conglomerate.
The conversation included, but was not limited to:
test anxiety
cute boys at school
that time when you puked at Dunkin' Donuts
real time gagging while trying to swallow mashed potatoes
a recent lost tooth
an ear ache
having to go back to the hospital
the not wanting to do science tonight
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just sat there like a bump on a log.
All I could think was how much I loved these people and all their words but at the same time, how ALL that I wanted in the whole wide world at that very moment was to get ear plugs, shove them in my ears as deep as they would go and completely dismiss myself from everything human.
See, I'm an introvert....and I can't recall the last time I was alone for more than 12 minutes. (which is a p.r.o.b.l.e.m.)
I don't often get to the point of loosing my mind but this evening I was there for about 15 minutes.
Guess what?
I think the Lord knew and helped me out.
Kids are upstairs and have been silent for 30 minutes or so.
Brad, though I would never wish this on him, had to go back to the hospital.
His job is WAY harder than mine and I just told him before he left that I realize that there are more broken things than he could ever fix and I acknowledge that he is "it on a stick"....because he really is. He never quits.
...as I sit here alone, my fall candles burning, in complete quiet, he is still working. ...thank God for good men.
In stark contrast to a man who just keeps his head down and is a rock,
All day, I've been stewing over the repeated realization that I CAN'T MAKE MY KIDS HAPPY.
That's an easy thought to digest when your kid is five and is mad because he can't have a lollipop.
It's a different matter all together when you're talking about life altering decisions, self esteem, friend groups, dating, abilities, talents, wow.
I've made peace with the reality that this parenting thing is not for the faint of heart
and it just has to be okay if I have to revisit issues from time to time til I'm 70.
The bit about not letting your children's woes completely ruin your day and attitude, yeah....that may be one that I have to come back to over and over again.
This life, this messy, far from perfect crazy life is an absolute blessing.
Things don't always go as planned, some things may not turn out right, and I can't control people around me or events that happen.
BUT!
I can absolutely decide to be a life giver and not a life taker.
I can be a worry wart or I can be a truster.
My sweet grandmother, whom everyone knew her as "Ma", lived to be 103 was such an example of a life giver.
She lived just beyond our pasture and I would often go sit with her just to visit.
She was a mother, and mothers carry anything and everything.
She had children, grands, and greats, scattered everywhere, making all sorts of different choices, none of which she could control...I can hear her now, after she would share a little of her worries:
"Well, I just can't worry about it. It'll all come out in the wash. Some will be a little more wrinkled than others, but it will all come out."
I want to be like Ma.
Live. Smile. Find joy in all the imperfections. Be fully in the present. ...it's a good place to be.
~stacey
p.s. that was a whole lot of rambling about nothing. thank you for indulging me. ...sleep well...I think now I will go finish watching "Count of Monte Cristo" If you haven't seen it, WATCH IT. such a great old movie.
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