{what I know and what I don't}

We are in bed, snug as bugs at 8:38 p.m.

We lead a wild life.

Brad has a WWII documentary on, and in an effort to focus on the words I want to put on paper, I have my ear buds in with my ever faithful Pride and Prejudice Film Score Pandora station playing.
It's a winner every.single.time.

The Saturday after the first full week of school is heaven. It's that first after summer realization of, "oh yeah, I remember how this works...I can do this. It's five days of mach 80 but then we get a few hours to regroup before we repeat the mach 80 thing." Even if Saturday is all work, it's still a break. 

Brad and I spent the first hour of the day over coffee, (it's where I get all my words out, he kindly listens to al my woes and worries, and we solve every problem known to man) then we moved to the basement to do a quick but massive purge of randomness. There's not much I love more than a good clean out. Big kids have homework and younger two do their best to stay out of sight, because being seen means potentially being put to work.

A couple things I've been reminded of recently.

None of us like the hard parts of life...the unpleasant bits.
Nobody wants the uncomfortable, the unknown, the what ifs.
Who wants the un-fun stuff?
nobody.
Trials? Challenges? Failures?
no.thank.you.

"Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience." James 1

COUNT IT ALL JOY when you fall into various trials.

Who does that? I mean really...WHO does that?

Just park it there a minute.
When is the last time you encountered something hard and you counted it all joy?

yep...same here but I am working on it. I don't want to live a life where every time I hit a speed bump I immediately press the panic button or become the proverbial ostrich with his head in the sand.

Oh and news flash....this truth also applies to your response to your kids trials and struggles.

Do you believe God for them? Do you believe He can meet them at the place of their need?

Their academic struggles.
Their self worth struggles.
Their friendship struggles.
Their people pleaser struggles.
Their strong will struggles.

All that...if we don't take God at His Word for our kids, then what are we doing?
Take heart and rest in that! 
God meets us at our point of need. What good news.

~~~~~~~~~

I don't claim to know as much as I used to.

I am ever more confident in who God is. He is good and He is trustworthy.
I am less dependent on myself and my own abilities in every way.

No matter how I try, I miss it sometimes.
I may or may not hear correctly what He is saying. 
I ask for direction, but don't always get what I want (what I want is handwriting on a wall).
I'm not sure about the difference between what He directs and what He allows and how many things we blame on Him, when really, we just made a choice that dictated a given result. 
I don't have answers for why certain people are afflicted with disabilities, addictions, mental illness or sickness. 
There are a lot of things I can't make right in my head...things that I'm learning to be content to place in the category of "I have no idea."

I can't tell you how many times my prayers begin with, 
"God help me"
or
"Lord, please  fill me with humility."
or
"God I have absolutely no idea what is going on, but You do."

pretty basic start to prayer for a gal who's been a Believer for a good number of years, 
but I'm telling you, without Him I am sunk.

What do I know? 

I know some good stuff. I know Psalm 103:10-14 
"He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities...
Great is His steadfast love towards those who fear Him;...
For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust."

Read that Psalm in it's entirety...it's a guaranteed encouragement. 

I know that God is near to the broken-hearted.
That He is tender towards His children.
That He never leaves or forsakes them.

I know that His plans are big, that they will not be thwarted.

While His plans are big, He also knows when a sparrow falls to the ground. (Matt 10:29)
He is intimately concerned with the details of our lives and He covers us.

He uses the ordinary and extraordinary hard things to accomplish His purposes and to mold and shape us.

I'm certain that He doesn't wring His hands over anything. 
"God stretches the northern sky over empty space and hangs the earth on nothing." 

Job 26 doesn't indicate a fretful nor an indifferent God.

I know that God is not impressed with your outside...too many Christians fall into perceived spirituality when God cuts right through all that and is ONLY INTERESTED IN YOUR HEART.
That is both comforting and terrifying. 
Ask the Lord to check your motives and purify your heart.

I know that I can have every awesome power, gifting, or character quality, 
but if I don't have love, then I am nothing.
NOTHING.
People in the Christian sector are pretty impressed with wisdom, prophetic gifting, knowledge, faith, generosity, and sacrifice. 
Having the willingness to love, even and especially when it's hard, trumps all the above. 
Crazy, isn't it?
(1Cor.13)

If God has enough love and grace for me, then He has enough for you, no matter your current circumstance or your past failures or hurts.

I can't make everything okay and I think maybe I'm learning to accept that fact. 
There's a lot of freedom and joy that comes from understating that you can't fix everything.

Don't waver on the truth of God's word. 
Put humility and love at the top of the "to do" list.
There's safety there. 

~stacey

Seasons and Scotland

The school year is just about over, and as always, we are coming in on a wing and a prayer. 

In a matter of hours, I'll have an 11th, 9th, 7th, and 3rd grader.

AND... as a result, 

...I'm a little scared to utter the words

but I think

...it seems that...

the crazy train is easing up a bit. 

Well, that's not entirely true,

maybe I've just switched trains.

Somewhere along the way, I got OFF the physical crazy train (you know, the one on which you feed babies, change diapers, pack lunches, and drive people ALL OVER TARNATION to every lesson, class, show, and game in the whole entire world)

...and I got ON the emotional crazy train (the one on which you fret over whether or not you've done a good job, will they make good choices, will you have grace when they don't, you deal with the blah mood swings, you try to resist the urge to swoop in and fix every little mess up so that they learn to fail in non life threatening areas, and where you occasionally stare at them in disbelief, and mutter to yourself, wow...I seriously don't even know you right now and I really hope you grow up a LOT between now and 23ish, because...wow.)

I'm fortunate, and I 100% don't understand how I got four sweet kids...not perfect, but genuinely sweet people who really want to please God and us. (which, funny enough, can actually create another whole set of problems...just not the "in your face" kind)

I love this season of a house full of big, witty, interesting kids who are really fun to talk and listen to. Prime example: In the car, just a couple hours ago, I hear Emma in the back seat, telling a joke to her friend. (except that she didn't say it was a joke, she just asked it like it was a bonafide question)

"Hey, so why is it not good for women to have kids over 35?"

I grip the steering wheel a little tighter, thinking oh my gosh, where did she hear this it sounds so offensive I mean she's 8 why does she think she knows optimal child bearing years??!

I brace myself for the answer.

Friend says, "uhmmm, because they're old ladies?"

"Nope, because 35 is more than enough!"

I laughed out loud.

I wonder how I'll do when they're up and gone...I admit I sometimes hide out just to get a few minutes of solitude, but I truly can't stand the thought of a quiet house...hoping there will be some redeeming qualities when the time comes but I'm skeptical.

A few years ago, I had a conversation with a man in his early 60's. He owned a shop I frequented and we shared a love for pictures and places. His wife had passed away a number of years prior and he said something to me I've never forgotten. 

His face was somber and almost pleading.

"Whatever you want to do with your spouse, do it now. Don't wait until your older, because sometimes, you don't get older." 

It changed the way Brad and I think about so many things. Of course you have to plan, save, be responsible, live beneath your means, and be content exactly where you are, but it also means there is no time like the present.

In whatever capacity your sphere allows, spend time with your spouse...if you like them.

...and if you don't like them, maybe spending some time together alone, will remind you why you used to like them...and if not, maybe you should get some counseling....your marriage is worth fighting for. 

go on walks

have coffee together

go out to dinner

slip off for the weekend every once in a while

I remember well how stressful date nights used to be. The first 10 or 12 years of our marriage, "extra money" was in short supply at our house. But because of generous parents, and sweet people around us, we were able to make date night a fairly consistent happening....but it was SO MUCH WORK.

I had a 5, 3, and 1 year old, all of whom preferred me to everyone else in the world. 

Getting the house cleaned, having dinner ready for kids and sitter, getting myself dressed, making a bottle, stepping around little wide eyed, pajama clad babies who knew something was up, then prying one or two of them off me as I walked out the door.....the ride to the restaurant felt more like a ride to my own execution.

 I rode in silence for the first little bit, tried to rid my face of the anxiety written all over it, and without fail, Brad would grab my hand and say something like, "You good? Kids are fine. They will be fine. They are probably playing and happy now. It's fine. Don't worry...they are in good hands."

I would nod in reticent agreement.

Without fail, we would get about half way through the night, whether it was just dinner, or dinner and  movie, and all I could think was, 

this is the best thing ever...I feel like a human being...I am in heaven.

Then I would go home, 

having been reintroduced to my husband, 

kiss my sweet, fluffy, sleeping babies, 

and wake up the next morning ready to tackle the world.

Fast forward 10 years....and I mean FAST forward.

I have a driver in high school, two middle schoolers, and one very grown-ish elementary student. 

It's still a lot of work to leave for a week, but I also still have very generous parents who agree to hold down the fort and do their best to keep everyone alive while Brad and I skip over to Scotland to check off a bucket list vacation. 

A lot has changed in 10 years but the benefit of time together has not.

Not everyone has the desire to travel and those who do, have vastly different ideas of where they want to go and what they want to see. 

If you are someone who

loves natural beauty

has an aversion to crowds

likes to be off the beaten path

enjoys really good food

owns a pair of hiking boots

can handle a 7ish hour plane ride

appreciates the simplicity of people around you speaking english

and is fascinated by history

let me just tell you, Scotland just may be the place for you. 

Scotland is 

lochs and lambs

hills, haggis, and Harry Potter

castles and cows

trails and tartan

steeples, Skye, and Storr

and I loved every single bit of it.

 

  

Just your average Scottish wedding. 

slightly jealous of the hats, kilts, and bagpipes

and not at all embarrassed by the groom spotting 

me and my zoom lens and giving me a hearty wave.

Think I found our rental car for next time...

...until then

~stacey

~Fall Break This Year~

I barely have the patience for a blog post these days. 

I'm better with periodic little word vomits via instagram. 

Nevertheless, here goes.

It's no secret that fall break is my favorite and that in the last couple years, we've made a habit of getting out of town this particular week. The first six weeks of school is a near fatal shock to my system and I'm so happy to have survived it, that this week off feels like heaven. 

I've decided that while rest is a necessity, vacation certainly is not. The opportunity to vacate, whether for two days or seven, is a blessing...cream...and maybe even a little indulgent.  

{grateful}

That being said, there's something magical and miraculously rejuvenating about leaving the laundry, the yard, the emails, the closet that needs to be organized, the schedule, and the practices, so that your little nucleus...your little band of people that sometimes get on your last nerve, can go away together and cram into a little place somewhere and be your happy, dis-functional selves somewhere else. 

I also, don't think it really matters where or how far you go...it's sure to be crazy and most likely fun in some degree. 

We scooted over just past Charleston, South Carolina, a stones throw from Mt. Pleasant, to Isle of Palms. 

It took us nearly  six hours because my kids have stomachs and bladders which really cramp my, "let's drive straight and never stop" style, but whatever. Why can't we wait to eat and urinate when we get there?!

So, in bullet points, here are the "big ideas":

• Something I have carried over from my parents and our own long ago family vacations, is the idea that on vacation, Brad and I do our best to consider each child's likes and desires, and do our utmost to hit "their 10". Jake likes history and all things war related, so we visited Patriot's Point to explore an aircraft carrier, battleship, submarine, etc. Reese and Avery each wanted to body surf at high tide, so we made a point to do that several times, Emma wanted to find shells, go to the pool, and eat ice-cream, so those things were wins for her. It really isn't hard and it's a great way to pour out a little specialized love to each kiddo. All that to say, I vividly remember how special it was for me, when on our annual vacation, we always did a horse trail ride, and I knew that it was primarily for me. <--that stuff means a LOT to us middle kids.
• above was a LONG bullet point. sorry.
• If you ever have the chance to hop over to the coast of South Carolina, if you appreciate history AT ALL, and if your kids are above the age of 6ish...maybe 7, do these things:
• Take a MORNING 2 hour walking history tour with Charleston Sole Walking. For heaven's sake, don't go at 2:00 in the afternoon...you're sure to die of heat exhaustion. You will see buildings George Washington stood in, cobblestone streets that date back to the 1600's, church steeples that served as look outs during the revolutionary and civil war, the sea where Blackbeard ransacked ships for a week or more, Rainbow Row, Live Oaks that are 200+ years old (which means they are toddlers), and Sweet Grass Basket weavers at every turn. Not to mention, you can visit multiple filming locations from The Notebook. {I swoon}
• Visit Boone Hall Plantation in Mt. Pleasant. DO NOT LEAVE without listening to the 30 minute or so presentation on the Gullah/Geechee Heritage Corridor. I've seen it twice now, it makes me tear up every time, and is my favorite thing. This year, our historian was a woman. Her face was beautiful, her voice was strong, her knowledge more extensive than my own, her humor endearing, and her message life changing. We got to witness present day crop rotation on our wagon ride through the plantation....which, to my knowledge, is accredited to the brilliant George Washington Carver. If you don't know his story, you must. Buy A Pocketful of Goobers and read it to your kids. You'll learn as much as they will. What a man. 
• GO TO PATRIOT'S POINT. If your heart doesn't swell a little, then I don't know what to tell you. Every single man that served on that ship, and many more like it, did so for the single cause of defending the freedom you enjoy today. Be grateful. 
• Eat seafood everywhere you go. Have the TellTale burger at Poe's. Get used to sweating. Look for shells at low tide. Watch the sunrise over the water. 
• If your little-ish kid tells you they need to go to the bathroom, just believe them and take them.
• Never eat more than one meal out on any given day. That is a sure fire way to break the bank. Pop tarts, eggs, or toast for breakfast, sandwiches and salads for lunch or dinner, and one meal out, tops. 
• Don't be glued to your phone. Breathe, look around you, slow down. Be AWAY. vacate. If you hate history, want to stay up till midnight, sleep till 10, eat out 3x a day, and read a book, do it. Whatever you do, do you. I love the unique quirkiness of people. Thank the Lord we aren't all alike.

Okay, here are a few iPhone pictures...because along with history and old streets, pictures are my 10. 

my computer makes me angry...it's either too old or over full so I can't upload or at least find the rest of my phone pics so these will have to do for now. 

{insert mad face, eye roll face, tongue out face, and fist}

~stacey

Broken Me and Ireland (totally unrelated topics)

i am a bit of a broken record these days...i just say the same thing over and over...hoping it's focus and not senility setting in.

my theme this year has been "less is more"

and it's not like I'm consciously thinking, Stacey, do less, be less, have less. 

i just honestly find myself wanting less rather than more.

i shop less
buy less
care less about frivolities
write less
take fewer pictures, even
worry less


maybe it's a bonus of being 40ish.
i don't know but
these are the "mores" of my life of late:

the people immediately around me mean more to me than ever before. i can't believe that i have friends that i consider family. it's a perk i never counted on or expected.

i'm more grateful for Brad than I ever have been

i trust more that God's hand is in and over my life no matter the circumstance

i think my kids are more awesome than is even right. 
i love them more every day.

i am more aware of the fact that people are quick to make judgements on
degrees of sin and sinners,
and love to subconsciously measure the distance of exactly how far fallen from grace various people are based upon the offense.

over the last few months, i've been face to face with some exceptionally needy women.
addicts, victims, prostitutes, thieves, con artists, all the above.

one particular night, as i sat across from a gal...once a beautiful, vivacious, young woman, now with  evidence of extensive drug use up and down both arms, her eyes dark as night, tears falling uncontrollably from the years of abuse, mistreatment, and bad choices, all i could see were the words:

BROKEN and USED UP

i'm so past caring about
who did what first
who's fault it is
why people get stuck in such horrid places
can they change their life trajectory
and even
will they ever get better

because....all i see is

BROKEN and USED UP

being near broken people reminds me how broken I am without the grace of Jesus.

i don't have answers for why i was born into the family i was and why this girl was born into complete hell on earth.

i just know that if i've sinned once, and she 1,000 times, we are both in equal need of a Savior.

1 sin separates you from God in the same way that 1,000 would.

i asked the Lord on behalf of this young woman, out of sheer mercy, to help her find Him before she breathes her last breath on this earth.
whether she ever cleans up her act or continues a lifetime of self-destruction, that God would make a way for her to spend eternity with Him. 
it would be sweet redemption.
if the thief on the cross can find salvation in the last moment, then that is my hope for her.

the offer of salvation is GOOD NEWS and something you can hang your hat on.

this was SO not what i was intending to write but i've gone and done it now.
so the point is...
don't get on a high horse.
be quick to love
quick to forgive
quick to admit wrong
quick to stand strong on the truth of God's Word
quick to pray for humility
and quick to look for chances to express God's love to needy people.


********************************************************************


my Brad took me to Ireland to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. I can't believe I've spent over half my life with him. it's crazy and i feel so fortunate to be partnered up with him.

people have asked me, "so why Ireland?"

my answer is

because they speak English
there is more natural beauty than city madness
it's only an 8 hour flight
i love old structures
it's not a volatile place
my maiden name is Fitzgerald
and it just seems magical (and i can say to you now it absolutely is)


let me just tell you, it was unreal in so many ways.

i can't even explain how good the food was.

we drank coffee every morning and it was always served in a cup with a saucer.
and all but twice, it was mismatched china. 
it was the quaintest thing you've ever seen.

the country side was breathtaking, the people kind, and the speed of life noticeably slower.

we got off the beaten path, drove on impossibly narrow roads, ate in spots where we were the only non-Irish customers, and learned first hand how what we call old here, is relatively new there. 

  

i loved 
the painted sheep
the older men who dress just like you imagine they would...tweed hats, sweaters and slacks. 
the roads with no divider lines
the time with brad
the tinkering of cups and saucers
NOT being on a tour bus ( i couldn't deal with the claustrophobia it would cause me)
the thick accent that i had to strain 
to understand in some cases
all of it. 

thank you, bradford...i love you.
happy 20 years to us. 
i'm fortunate to have you.

~stacey